In Which I Put Myself into Time Out...sort of

Okay, the illness has made up its mind. It has decided to kick my ass.

Maybe I was just up too late last night watching (sort of) the Sooners lose the championship, followed by a long, rambling telephone conversation with my friend Jin, followed by an even longer and more rambling (and rather unfortunate) IM conversation with Biff, all of which added up to me not getting finally into bed until around 2. NOT, perhaps, the most conducive path to healing my poor battered immune system.

Gray was here for the first part of the game. I think eventually we will make good divorced parents. When we're not at each other's throats, we make comfortable friends. Or will, I believe. I hope. For Grayson's sake as much as for my own.

Last night he wanted to download a bunch of photos from my computer to use on his Match.com profile. He said it is already making him feel better to have that connection to Other Options. And I know how he feels.

I'm hoping we can get the divorce final next week. I really want to put the marriage behind me. It's good to get these loose ends wrapped up with Gray, and to be getting along okay, but it will be such a huge relief to me to have that cord cut once and for all. We'll still have the house to deal with, but we won't be married.

Being sick may put me into an involuntary Time Out this weekend. It's probably not a bad thing, though I sure wish it would be otherwise. I was supposed to have dinner with Jin tonight and see a movie with Biff tomorrow, but it may all fall through if I'm still sick. And maybe it needs to. Maybe I need some time alone. I don't want it. I don't want it at all. I'm a little scared of it, I think. I'm so afraid of that black water coming back, sweeping over my soul and sucking me down, that I crave constant distraction. But maybe I need to sit in the doorway with my metaphorical emotional rifle across my knees and see what comes out of the dark.

Maybe I need to blow away some demons. I am stronger than I think. And crutches just make you weaker.

I've been wishing for Esalen. I want to disappear into a fruity retreat where I'm away from everything and everyone. I won't get it, of course. I'm waaaay too poor right now for any such luxury.

I'm bummed about being sick because this is the first week I had begun to feel actually functional and focused at work. It felt good to be able to get my mind off of my personal life long enough to be good at what I do again. I have not been, for so long.

I had a talk with Jin this morning about men and women. I told her I wished I was more like her, how she gets her emotional support and strength from the women in her life, whereas I have always so relied upon the men. She told me "Oh god, yeah. They're not even people, really." And she was completely serious. It's funny but it shows how very different we are. I am learning to have faith in my women friends. But it does not, somehow, come naturally for me. I've always related better to men.

But that can become so complicated. For me, anyway. Jin asked me why I'm not dating a bunch of different people - why just Biff. She's worried that I'll put too much meaning into it, get too attached, get too needy ... which no doubt I already have. (reference aforesaid late night IM conversation). I told her I'm a confirmed serial monogamist. "It's just the way I am," I told her. She said "you can change the way you are."

Can you? I dunno. I think you can change. But can you change yourself? Would I want to?

What I want, I realize, is to feel secure. I'm casting about for some sense of stability. Which is patently absurd in my situation, of course. I'm a walking case of instability. Not that I'm emotionally unstable, I mean. But my situation is in flux. Everything is shifting, almost daily. So I try to get Biff to offer some security. Which he can't. won't. whatever. And I can't seem to take Maybe as an answer. The whole freakin' world is Maybe. But from him, because I'm a repeat offender in the serial monogamist racket, I can't stand it.

I have to learn to live in Maybe. Nothing ... NOTHING is sure. Death and taxes notwithstanding, Everything is Maybe. I cannot create for myself a false enclave of surety in a world of Maybe. I just have to get out there and accept the uncertainty.

Very buddhist, if you think about it. Be Here Now. That, my friends, is what I strive for. To just Be
Here
Now.

And let that be enough. God, what I wouldn't give for that peace of mind. Now. and now. and Now.