It's important that I take stock of these things. As I mentioned in my last post, I've had my eyes opened for me a bit, in a good way, regarding the state of my life. John's statement to me was not an immediate epiphany, but I've been gradually internalizing it over the intervening weeks. I make a point now, every day, of enjoying my life. If I'm sitting on the sofa drinking coffee in the morning, or walking the trail to the Museum or grocery shopping, I look around and I think "this is good." It has really enhanced my awareness of how very fortunate I am, and how, most importantly, undamaged I am. I am whole.
This past weekend Grayson and I had a visit from the ex's father and his wife. I hadn't seen them in three years. At first it seemed strange, and I expected it to be awkward; but after the initial few minutes it wasn't, really. And I was a little surprised at how comfortable I felt with them in the absence of the ex. I'd never spent time with them alone, and yet here I was chatting as if they were my family. And I suppose in a way they are. I considered them so for 10 years, it makes sense. I even realized how sad it had made me before when I thought they had simply written me off and taken up with the ex's babymomma as if I had never been there.
This is something I'm finding is simply not true. That whole feeling of having been set back, or having lost time. I've been on the path the whole time. I was never really set back. My direction was changed, and not in a very pleasant way. But I've been making my life, step by step, all along. That seems so obvious and simple now, but it's like entering a bright clearing for me. Oh wow, there's a life here!
So, what am I grateful for?
- I'm grateful for my wonderful son, who daily makes me glad I live in the world. He is funny and kind and gentle and clever and loving. I see myself in him, and I see wonderful things that I could never dream of, as well. He is wholly himself, and yet I feel so close to him, utterly at one sometimes. The fact of him in my life is a constant source of joy and amazement. I wonder all the time how this whole person was born literally of my flesh, grown inside my own body to enter the world unique. And boy, is he unique. I'm grateful for his Ministry of Silly Walks walks, his goofy dancing, his endless stories about things he saw on YouTube videos, and the sweetness of his soft hand in mine. He may wear the same size shoe as me now, and he's growing up too fast, but I'm grateful for every scrap of little boy left to me, and grateful in advance for the gangly, geeky teenager he's likely to become soon.
- I'm grateful for John, who tells me daily that he loves me, and shows me that he does in a thousand ways large and small. I'm grateful to him for loving me, genuinely, just the way I am; but also for being his sun-shiney self, a person who takes pleasure from little things and is unafraid to be who he is. Sometimes I am recalcitrant, and sometimes I retreat a bit, having learned to doubt love. But John always remains, like a large, lovable, and patient dog, waiting for me to stop being silly and come play with him. Never remonstrating with me, never exasperated. He is re-teaching me love by example. Hope he doesn't mind being compared to a dog. Dogs are the most honest and loving creatures on the planet.
- I'm grateful for my amazing parents, who are there for me in more ways than I could enumerate. My mom, whose advice is always spot on. My dad, who makes me laugh, loves me to the point of being almost annoying, and loves to talk with me. I feel my heart lighten whenever I'm with them. It will be good to spend time with them this holiday weekend.
- I'm grateful for the beautiful state of Arkansas for being my new home. I love the trees and rocks and water. I love the Ozark spirit of acceptance and contentment I've found here in Bentonville. I'm grateful every day I drive along the forested highway, or look out my windows at work at the beautiful trees. I'm so very glad to be here.
- I'm grateful for the peace of mind I'm coming into now, and the fresh lease I have on life. I'm so glad to be coming out of a long dark period and finally experiencing and enjoying my life directly again. I feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted from me. I'm grateful to John for lifting the scales from my eyes.
- I'm grateful to Alice Walton for founding the museum that brought me here and for her spirit of giving. I'm also grateful for the first-year bonus that allowed me to make ends meet for the first time since our vacation in August. Because of that generous gift, I may now be able to get back on my financial feet and start saving and paying off bills and such. It came at just the right time, and she didn't have to do that. I'm thankful.
- I'm grateful for a job that allows me to write for a living for the first time, and that allows me to learn new stuff. I'm also grateful that it has allowed me to slow down a bit and that I no longer have to be in charge of anything. It has taken some time, but I'm settling into this idea of not being in charge. It suits me, I think.
- I'm grateful to the few friends I cherish. I've never been one to make a lot of friends, and I think I abuse them a little, in that I'm not very good at staying in touch. I never remember anyone's birthday or anything like that. I'm grateful to them for being my friend, anyway, not writing me off, and always being willing to pick up wherever we left off. You know who you are.
- I'm grateful for my little house. I don't own it, but I'm fond of it. I found it fortuitously, and my landlords are good people. Grayson loves it, it has a very nice back yard that blooms everywhere in the spring, and it's comfortable. I'm glad we live there.
- I'm really really grateful for the allergist who got Grayson started taking his shots. He feels so much better now, and can breathe through both sides of his nose at once and sleep with his mouth closed ... no small accomplishments. I am grateful every time I see him doing one of those things.
- I'm grateful for the health and long lives of my dog family. That may seem sort of silly, but I love my irls, and I am sometimes fearful that something will happen to them. It would break my heart to lose them unexpectedly, though I know eventually they will go to that big dog park in the sky. So I'm grateful that they are here and whole and healthy. i'm grateful for their happy, tail-wagging, face-slobbering greeting every day when I get home. I'm grateful to John for loving them as much as I do.
Now here are a few less profound things I'm grateful for
- I'm grateful that I don't live in the same state as my ex anymore and I never have to bump into him anywhere and rarely have to go to his house.
- I'm grateful for all the good books in the world, and I hope I get as much time as possible to read them.
- I'm ever so grateful for red wine.
- I'm grateful that I'm old enough not to have to wear the latest ridiculous fashions, go to dance clubs, or watch reality TV.
- I'm grateful to Bob for reintroducing me to vinyl and to the joys of mid-century lounge music.
- I'm truly grateful to the voters of Benton county who passed the law allowing the sale of alcohol.
- I'm grateful I realized that the pain in my hips was caused by wearing high heels. Now I no longer have pain in my hips and I no longer have to wear high heels. Bonus.
Happy Thanksgiving.
