Then Again Maybe I Won't

I'm flip flopping.

I decided to get a rental house in Norman and move in June. I had decided, I tell you!
Then last night I decided I'd just stay in the apartment until the 20th Street house sells. I can't keep my mind made-up. It makes me tired.

Grayson was sick Sunday and Monday, and so I stayed home with him on Monday. By 3:00, when Bob called me from the laundromat in Norman, I was stir crazy. So sweet Bob drove up to the city with all the fixin's for a homemade pizza, to entertain me and make us dinner.


A week from Friday, Grayson has a slumber party at Dylan and Lauren's house to celebrate Dylan's birthday. (I think he's actually turning 12!) This means, of course, a whole night with "Laaaaaaaaauuuuurrrrren," as Grayson says it. Lauren, in case I haven't mentioned it, is Dylan's sister, aged 9, and the current love of Grayson's life. I reminded him to behave like a gentleman... not do a lot of hugging and hanging on her. And not to forget that he was actually there to see DYLAN, not Lauren! He assured me he would.

But here's a little video of his reaction when I told him he was going to the sleepover, and that Lauren would be there:

Ah... young love. And what a great galumphing goober my son is.

In Which I Plant a Garden and Mourn a Garden

I stopped by Horn Seed Co. yesterday and picked up a few plants. Then I swung by the old house and hijacked some planters from the back deck and brought them back to the apartment. I hauled them upstairs and out onto the balcony and proceeded to plant my "garden."

There was a mixed feeling about doing so. Walking up and down the aisles of tiny little vegetable plants at Horns, I couldn't help but feel sad to think all the plants I wouldn't be buying this year... of my beautiful raised bed garden at the old house, sitting uncultivated and forlorn this spring... the herbs running wild, last year's dead and dried up old pepper and tomato plants collapsed in their beds. I felt like crying.

But instead I bought a pepper, a tomato, a basil plant, some mint and a rosemary plant, and planted each of them in their pots, watered them, and sat among them in the warm afternoon sunlight. This is my garden this year. I will grow veggies and herbs here on my balcony and enjoy the fruits of my labor, even without a full garden or a yard of my own to plant it in. I can't feel sorry for myself with so much to be glad of.

Contradiction

Okay, remind me next time that it's NOT a good idea to drink a bottle of wine before bed. Seriously.

I woke up this morning, pushed the elephant off my head, ground some of the gravel out of my eyes and staggered to the kitchen to make coffee. There I found the mostly-empty jumbo economy size bottle of wine. Blink. Blink. Wow, I thought, who drank all that wine? Oh, hell, it must have been me.

Ah! That explains the elephant!!!

Shit, I'm stupid. Here I had a nice quiet night all to myself to recover from a weekend slammed with crazy-busy work events and late nights with Bob... and I had to go and pour a bottle of wine over the whole thing. Consequently, I feel today just like I did all weekend: exhausted and bleary. Okay, chalk it up to yet another teachable moment. Note to self: don't drink a bottle of wine before bed. Nuff said.

Perhaps I felt like I owed myself some relaxation after my busy weekend. I had a museum event on Saturday night (standing around in heels for three hours smiling at people) and a trade show Sunday afternoon (standing around in a booth, smiling at people and SHOUTING over the loud music for five hours). There's just something about working a trade show that sucks your soul away. Maybe it's the fake smile. Maybe it's saying the same thing over and over and over. Maybe it's the despair brought on by the inevitable person who asks you if the dinosaurs were killed in the flood or if the museum teaches evolution. (no and yes) Or maybe it's just the barage of noise and people and the tedium of it. I don't know, but I hate hate hate working trade shows. I know it's a necessary evil, but god I hate it.

The upside of the weekend was the time I got to spend with Bob, but mostly that was after 9 p.m., which means we'd be up until 2 or 3 in the morning. And since he has his son beginning at about 7 a.m. on weekend days all spring, I was obliged to drive home in the wee hours. The result: I'm tired. My own fault, I realize.

Yesterday was Gray's birthday. I feel a little bad about not even saying Happy Birthday when I spoke with him briefly on the phone. But he was dumping me on my birthday, (he had taken off to a hotel for a week to see if he wanted to stay married to me or not, and didn't even call). So I feel like I should be relieved of any birthday guilt where he's concerned. He's 37 now... chasing death quick into middle age. I'm sure the breath of the reaper is that much colder on his neck now that he's one year closer. Stupid. To waste your life feeling sorry for yourself that you're not 18 any more is absurd. He deserves whatever misery he makes for himself.

I, however, did not deserve the misery he made for me. Sometimes, yes, I'm still pissed off. It's a real contradiction, being simultaneously relieved that I don't have to put up with his shit and pissed off at him for tearing my life apart so coldly. But that's part of the Divorce Deal. You learn to live with contradiction.

I think I'm re-experiencing these feelings now because I am so tired of waiting for the house to sell. I realized recently that part of what's bugging me is the lack of a time-line. I know now what I'm going to do (i.e. move to Norman), but I have no discernable event horizon. I just have to live in limbo until the damned house sells. I don't even know what summer program to enroll Grayson in because I don't know what city he'll be in come June or July. I can't seriously look at houses because I'm completely incapable of getting a loan until the house sells. I suppose in May I could look for a rental. But I prefer to buy one if I can. I've just been a home owner for too long to feel settled in a rental. It feels temporary and I'm ready for something in my life to feel permanent again. I'm ready to go on to the next thing. But the house is like a ball and chain, anchoring me to the spot. Anchoring me to Gray and Oklahoma City and the limbo I've been living in since October. It's as if my divorce won't truly be final until I'm no longer tied to Gray by a shared mortgage.

My point being, that being unable to move on with my life kind of makes me feel pissed at Gray again. It is, after all, his fault that I am where I am, regardless of how I now feel about it. Again: contradiction. That fucker.

House and Pool

I went to see that house for sale in Norman yesterday afternoon. It's a basic 70s ranch with a funky addition slapped on over the garage. The main attraction is the neighborhood... a nice cul-de-sac in the Jackson school district, the pool in the back yard... a big ol' thang, currently full of black sludge... and the price. $114,000 for 1800 square feet. That includes the funky addition, of course.

It was a foreclosure that someone bought to flip and haven't gotten around to fixing up yet. My parents came with me to look at it and were sort of non-plussed. I was kind of charmed by the groovy 70s vibe: dark woodwork, sunken living room, faux Spanish-style arched windows, and walls between the living room, dining room and kitchen that don't go all the way to the ceiling. Too bad I won't have cats... they'd love it up there.

It's worth considering... if I could maybe get the price down a little more to take "as is." Rehabilitating the pool alone would be about 5 thousand bucks, according to the pool people I've talked to about it. But Grayson would be in heaven all summer!

I don't know why exactly I'm looking, except that I have to do something. Waiting for the house to sell is killing me.

This weekend I'm going to go over there and plant some flowers in the pots on the porch and steps to brighten it up a bit and enhance its curb appeal. Gray said he'd pay for the plants if I'd do the work. I'm also going to go buy some peppers, tomatoes and flowers for my own little balcony garden. I'm going to be there through May at least. Might as well plant some stuff.

The High Cost of Summer

I've been adding up what this summer is going to cost me. It's pretty impressive. Makes you appreciate having your kid in a free public school all day.

Gray and I are going to get together tonight and piece together a patchwork of visits, camps, programs and classes to keep Grayson's summer safe, full and busy. Last year he spent most of the summer days in the SPARK program that he attends after school during the school year. This is relatively inexpensive at $80 a week, but he gets bored with the same old thing and the same old kids all summer long. So this summer we're going to try to shake it up a bit.

So far I have him enrolled in a dinosaurs class at the museum, and two classes at City Arts Center in OKC: Stop motion animation and Comic Book creators. These three weeks alone add up to $360... and the dinosaur class is just a week long half day program! There are about 12 weeks to the summer. At this rate, I may have to take up turning tricks or trading sexual favors for summer class tuition. We're looking at around $1000.

So I'm now exploring freebie options. How long can I pawn him off on my folks? How long will he be staying with various members of Gray's family? Which of his friends' parents owes me a favor???

In July I'm going to have to put my baby on a plane by himself to fly to El Paso for a week with Gray's family and his assorted cousins. I'm sure he'll be fine, and it will be a good experience for him to be a big boy on his own and all that, but my BABY? On an airplane by himself?? What if the weather is bad and he's scared? What if he misses a connecting flight? What if someone snatches him and kidnaps him to Peru? What if, god forbid, the plane goes down??? I have never been nervous about flying, but I'm finding that I'm quite nervous about Grayson flying alone. I do not like it, nossir, I do not.

Yesterday, my assistant Krysten came back to work for the first day after her maternity leave. She's easing into it, starting at part time after six weeks off. Handling everything on my own has certainly kept me occupied. I am reminded of how grateful I am for all the work she does, and to the museum for granting me a full time assistant. I can hardly believe I used to do all of this myself all the time! Granted, it's been years since I was obliged to, so I've no doubt gotten fat and lazy. Add to that the fact that for several months there this fall and early winter I was completely non-functional because of the divorce and move... I'm just now getting back into the full swing of work. Having so much to do has actually been sort of enjoyable. I never have to ask myself "what now?" I just zip from one thing to the next without thought, gleefully checking things off my list like a madwoman.

Here's a picture of my desk. This is no worse or better than it usually looks. Just my standard mess. I've been preparing press releases personalized to each of the winning students or student groups from the Native American Youth Language Fair... hence all the different colored pens for color coding lists. I've read somewhere that creative, right-brained people work best in an atmosphere of controlled chaos, and that a messy desk may be the sign of a creative mind: http://www.seattlepi.com/business/smth08.shtml

I must be a freaking genius.

In Which I Experiment With a Blended Family

Bob brought Bennett over last night for the first time. I had, of course, never met him. Bob had never met Grayson, and the boys had never met each other, so there were a host of firsts for all of us. But the boys of course instantly found a common ground, and I had an accidental stroke of genius at Target this morning when I impulsively bought two nerf dartguns. The boys took one outside and Bob and I took the other and defended the balcony. We had an all-out dart war for an hour or so, complete with sneak-attacks by the boys into the apartment to get us from behind, and tickle attacks by us.

It was, I'm vastly relieved to announce, a successful first meeting. Bob made pizza, Grayson and Bennett made a claymation film together, Bob and Bennett played baseball on the wii, and Grayson discovered the peculiar allure of the Atomic Wedgie, which Bob gave him every time he got anywhere near.

Friday I went out and had dinner and drinks with my Dad. We haven't done that in a long while, and it was nice to have the one-on-one time with him. He let me rattle on about houses, and I listened to him tell me yet again how much he used to weigh vs. how much he weighs now, and the pros and cons of trading his 22-foot sailboat in for a 25 foot sailboat. It was a good evening.

I've found another house to want. This one is in Norman, oddly right next door to my aunt Deanna. It's got a big bonus room that could be Grayson's garçonierre, and a POOL!! There are big sycamores (my favorite tree) in the backyard. It has a spacious kitchen, a fireplace, and a groovy 70s vibe that oddly appeals to me. The price is right, too, $114,000. And it's in the Jackson school district, just a few blocks from Bob. I try not to take that too much into consideration, but I admit there's an appeal.

Not that I'm in any position to buy a house now, as I have already discovered. But maybe our house will sell soon and I will be.

Breathe. Just breathe, and have faith in the universe. It will all work out for the best. I just have to be patient and take it one day at a time.

So today is easter. A rainy easter. Grayson has already played with his new easter toys, eaten chocolate, colored eggs, and declared himself bored, and it's not noon yet.

Good things

Can't tell you how many times I've had this blog window open in the past couple of days... just looking at the empty space with an empty mind. Since the house debacle I've been blue, and writing about being depressed is depressing so...

You get it.

So I'm going to try to cheer myself up this morning by making a list of some of the best stuff life has to offer.

1. The smell of sycamore trees after rain. Some people can't smell it, but to me it is one of the best smells in the world. Maybe partly because it is not accessible to everyone
2. Grayson's warm little hand in mine when we snuggle in the morning and he whispers "I love you , mom."
3. Visiting my folks and realizing that they still think I'm the brightest, most beautiful girl in the world.
4. Bob Dohrmann's Mighty eyes and the smell of his shirt when he hugs me. Like home.
5. Seeing Kobi come running down the driveway to see me, all dirty from wriggling through some hole in the fence... just to get to me.
6. Turning the soil in the spring and putting in the little plants, watching them grow.
7. Puppy breath and their soft, wrinkly skin.
8. Chlorine and suntan lotion, a cold beer and a good book on a hot summer day, burgers on the grill and the whole day ahead of me
9. Perfume shopping... smelling each one and trying to identify the different notes. Taking my time making a choice ... making an event of it.
10. Writing and writing well, knowing you've created something good. Even in just a small bloggy way.
11. Being amongst a group of friends and feeling that you belong there and they love you for who you are.
12. That first sip of scalding hot coffee in the morning
13. Good red wine and good company to share it with
14. A forest path. The quiet of birdsong and wind up in the leaves. The earthy smell of the woods. I like knowing the forest is always there, even when I'm not in it.
15. The feeling of lifting of responsibility you get on a snow day. Oh well, guess I'll just stay in, drink hot chocolate and read a book.
16. Seeing the look of pleasure on the face of someone who is genuinely glad to see you.
17. Working hard and doing it well.
18. Watching Grayson play with other kids and knowing he's happy, strong, healthy and good. A whole person in and of himself, discovering the world.
19. The mighty ocean and all the fascination of its beaches and rocks.
20. Holding a little living thing: a toad or bird or little mouse, and feeling its wonderful mysterious life in your hand.

In Which I Receive A Bitter Dose of Reality

I called a mortgage lender today, AND my insurance agent, to get real-life figures on what my monthly payment would be if I bought the house on 22nd street in 6 months. The answer? Too Much. With Private Mortgage Insurance, Taxes and Homeowners Insurance, my monthly payment, which looks so doable when it only covers principle and interest, ends up somewhere between "Ouch" and "PING!"

It is just not possible. I am depressed. I had to call up Cathy and tell her I was retracting my offer. She seemed bummed out, too.

So now my decision is made for me. I stay in the apartment until the house sells, then I look for a house in Norman that I can rent until hell freezes over or I save enough for a down payment, whichever comes first.

Bob called me today after lunch and I told him the news. He just said "I know."

"I knew that," he said. "But me and your dad, we knew we couldn't tell you that."

This is true. My dad just suggested that I get a real-life quote on what my monthly payment would be. He didn't suggest it wasn't possible, didn't try to change my mind... just gave me the facts. And Bob just looked at the house and said "I'd come visit you here." Both knowing there was no way I could afford it. Nice of them to spare me, I suppose. Thanks guys.

Okay, so I just get cozy in my apartment and try not to think about houses for awhile.

Harmonic Convergence... Or Not

We got an offer on the house a couple of days ago. The couple had come to look at our house three times, and made a formal offer, but it was low. They offered $13,000 less than the house is listed at... AND they wanted us to put a roof on it... AND they wanted us to provide a $2500 account for repairs! Ridiculous! So we countered with YES, we'll do all that shit, at the original asking price of $209,000.

They walked.

Well, I met with Cathy yesterday. She's the woman who owns the house on 22nd street that I want so badly. I looked at the house again. Still Love it. Still love where it is, love being able to stay in the city. She offered me decent terms on a rent-to-own option: even let 100% of my rent apply toward a down payment. But now I don't know if I can do it. With the house still on the market, I will not be receiving child support, which means that I could not pay the rent she is asking without coming up with a magic pot of money from somewhere. I could borrow against my 403B, which I've done in the past. That would put some cushion in a savings account for me to supplement my income with, but would only last a couple of months, considering I'll also have to pay for an inspection and appraisal. It's a risk. But is it worth it?

I COULD just stay here in the apartment and wait it out. I am determined to go off my folks' payroll in May, however, which means I'll have to borrow from the 403B anyway. If I'm borrowing to pay rent, shouldn't I be paying rent on this great house I will eventually own?

I checked mortgage calculators online and found that there's not a huge difference in mortgage payment between a $119,000 house (in Norman) and a $130,000 house. And I won't have the down-payment saved up for a place in Norman, nor will I have a way of saving up a down payment until our house sells. More and more it seems like the thing to do is to go ahead and take the house on 22nd as a rent-to own for 6 months and then get a loan.

Is this just because that's what I want to do? Or because I'm impatient to have a house of my own and get on with the next stage of my life? If I stay in the apartment and save for a down payment, It will take me 16 months to save $5000, even if I can save $300 a month, which I don't know that I can. If I take the house, I can accrue that amount in 6 months.

I realize I'm obsessing about this, but the decision is upon me. May 1 is not that far away.

Gray has made me an astonishing offer. I pay him $250 a month toward the house and overhead: mortgage, loans and credit card debt. He has offered to absorb that to give me more money to spend on a house. He says we can negotiate a way to make up the difference when the house sells and he starts paying child support. (right now child support is just deducted from what I owe for the house, leaving me the $250 monthly balance). It is very generous of him to do so, considering it will leave him pretty strapped. But he says he has an interest in keeping Grayson in Oklahoma City if at all possible. I can see that, and I think it's very sweet of him to be willing to make that sacrifice to allow us to get into a house in the city.

I know what I want to do. I'm just not sure if I'm crazy for doing it.

House News

Cathy, the woman who owns the house on 22nd street, called me and left a message yesterday that she was prepared to talk about a lease-to-own arrangement. I was a little surprised because I called her last week and she did not call me back, so I thought she was going to stick it out. But I guess her six month window is closed and she's ready to get consider a deal that will provide her some income from the house, even it it's not all in one chunk. We have an appointment tomorrow evening to talk it over. This is the groovy kitchen.

Meanwhile, the old house was shown for a THIRD time to "the lawyer couple" who have looked at it twice before. They were scheduled to look at 12:30... haven't heard anything from them since. I'm holding out hope, however, that there's about to be a harmonic convergence of house events.

I told myself that if something came through for the house on 22nd street, then I was meant to stay in OKC. If not, I would look exclusively in Norman. But the house is too good to pass up, and if she will work with me, I think I can cancel my lawyer debt, move in May, and end up with a great value of a house in a great neighborhood just four blocks from Grayson's school. It means I continue to drive up I-35 twice a day, but I've done it for ten years... why stop now?

Other house news: Grayson and I got home after a movie screening at the museum last night at 10 p.m. to find that our electricity was off at the apartment. After determining that there was no problem with the breakers and lights were on in other apartments in my building, I came to the conclusion that the electrical was out because Gray's bill was overdue. When he closed the old account at the house (which was in my name), he had a balance overdue, which then transferred to my current account. Silly me, I thought that the due date for that balance transfer would be the same as the due date for my apartment.

Apparently not.

I paid them this morning and I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be power when I get home. I admit to calling Gray and reading him the riot act last night over it, because he was ALWAYS overdue on that bill and every month I would get a 48-hour cutoff notice on his account, delivered to my address. It's not really his fault, it's as much mine for not paying attention to the 48-hour cut-off notice I got earlier this week on it... but I was not happy to be brushing my teeth by candlelight last night, and to have a fridge full of food slowly spoiling as it warmed up.

Sometimes it seems like there is just no time in the day to take care of all the minor details of life. To say nothing of the money required. Right now I'm as busy as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest at work. I scurry non-stop from the moment I get there, and leave exhausted. It's just a crazy time of year, and I'd grown accustomed to having Krysten there to handle the graphics and advertising end of things. It would be crazy right now anyway, with all the things on the calendar, but I keep bouncing between our two computers like an airtraffic controller.

Bob is stressing me out, too. He get weird sometimes and I can't figure him out. I think it's jealousy of every man I speak to or interact with. Today it was all about snarky Facebook comments in response to those left by my friend and colleage Michael Bendure, who handles PR at the Fred. Bob would leave comments like "I think Michael 'likes' you." on my public wall space. Then I would go in and remove it and he would put it back. He claims it's all just fun and "Oh, I forgot that you take this stuff seriously." But it's just bullshit. It makes me tired. I want to just hang up the phone and walk away from the whole thing, though I know that's of course not really possible. My heart nor my conscience would let me do that. Tthis has the potential to be a deal breaker and I don't know what I can do about it. He's unlikely to change. Or if he does gradually get over it, it may be too late for me.

Anyway, he sent me a funny today by way of apology. This is "Sacrificial Pandas," a reference to the dumbness of "gifting" someone with a virtual panda on Facebook. I said it could also be "Our Lady of Perpetual Pandas." The face, by the way, is mine.


Gray and Bethany split up. I did tell you so. Though there seems to have been no betrayal or dumping involved,so I was wrong in HOW it was going to happen. I did call it, though.