Okay, I spoke too soon.
True, I did TRY to break up with Biff this week.
Tuesday I got wind of yet another dust-up between him and his ex in Tulsa. It's an ongoing saga and it makes me nuts. She's always doing something obnoxious or thoughtless or both, and he's always all up in her life, letting her pull his strings to get whatever it is she wants from him: advice, sympathy, attention, or, as I suspect is mainly the thing, assurance that she still has control over him.
Look, I'm a girl. I know exactly how girls play this game. You keep your ex stringing along by a number of means, for whatever reason. You want to be sure you have power, or you want a fall-back option, or you can't stand to let someone else have him or WHATEVER. You find ways to maintain contact and you keep pulling the threads to make sure your hooks are still in. It's a nasty game, but we've all played it. I hated seeing him dancing on her string. He would tell me over and over he didn't want her back, it was his choice to end it... and then she'd tug one of those strings and he was all wound up about her again, and I'd have to hear the sob story.
This time I didn't even want to hear about it. I've been separated from Gray for less than a quarter of the time he's been separated from Renee, and I'm not anywhere near as wrapped around my axel over it as he is. I don't get it. I hurts me every time I hear him moaning and groaning about how painful the aftermath of the breakup is. It was his choice, for god's sake, and it was a year ago.
So I composed and sent an elegant message, regretfully informing him that he was still too embroiled in his past it's hurting me and I need someone who was ready to move forward without looking back... etc. etc.
Later that day I got an instant message from him that "you are ready, apparently I am not." I told him to contact me if he got himself squared away.
Wednesday morning I took him off my list of Facebook friends because I didn't want to have to see his updates all the time. So I sent him an email telling him why, and that I wasn't doing it to be vindictive, just to spare myself a certain amount of torture. (This is only partly true because, even though I'd removed him as a friend, his facebook profile was still open and accessible, so I found myself checking it all the time anyway. Pathetically)
Wednesday sucked. I just moped around, brooding. I took Grayson sledding, which was a welcome break, and in the afternoon I got an email from Biff. He explained that this last brush with Renee "ended it," and he told her to stop all contact. He's also made plans to get all his stuff back from her house and has severed his business relations with her. I sat there and stared at that email for a long time, trying to decide what to do. I started to write a response. Stopped. Started. Stopped.
By 7:15 I had cratered and sent him an IM, telling him I don't like not being in touch with him, blah blah blah. So he called and we basically made it up. It's provisional, in my mind, dependent upon how well he really is able to cut the cord from Renee. But for now, after a long shitty 24 hours of missing him and feeling rotten about it, I admit it... I'm glad I don't have to give him up right now.
I know, I know... I'm such a girl. It doesn't change much, this dance. It's the same at 42 as it was at 17, apparently.
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