So I went to the doctor this morning. Felt like a damned fool. Of course I tested negative for strep. I'm sure the man thinks I'm a raving hypochondriac.
But no, I was deemed Fit For Service and sent back to work, where I have sat hunched at my desk all day, scowling balefully at my computer screen, in a foul temper.
My temper comes from two sources. One, the illness, which makes me want to close my eyes and put my head on my desk; and Two, the looming divorce proceedings.
I'd describe how I feel about the court appearance tomorrow if I could. I'm not sure exactly what the mix is. Sad, yes, that this is where those heartfelt marriage vows ten years ago have brought me... to standing up in front of a judge, alone, and taking it all back. Hacking it down like a big, noxious weed, this thing that I so lovingly nurtured and believed in.
I don't know if it's sadness exactly, or frustration and anger at the fact that it's going to be ME who has to stand up there and undo the marriage, because Gray was too weak, too wishy washy, too lazy to do it himself. He managed to get me to do this dirty work for him, as he got me to do so much other stuff for him, by simply not managing for himself. Though the divorce was not my idea, it was nevertheless me who had to make the choice, me who had to take action, and me who had to refuse to go back on it when he got too wishy-washy even to stand by his initial decision. I feel like I'm divorcing a spoiled child.
Bah. It's like pulling a bad tooth. I'll feel better when it's over. I'm tired of drifting.
On the upside, I am assembling a group of people to go to StorySlam on Friday night at the Istvan gallery. Some of the "stories" that were told last time were pretty dreadful, but some weren't bad, and I want to support it. I think I've even got a story to tell. So I'm putting together a posse to go out and support storytelling in OKC.
No comments:
Post a Comment