Okay, someone should really stop me from drinking and surfing. Last night I think I spent about $30 on '80s music from iTunes, under the influence of the movie Grosse Pointe Blank and about a gallon of red wine. I was also simultaneously firing off text messages to Biff with songs attached... god only knows what I said, I'm afraid to look at the transcripts.
I was exhausted. Had a full day of Christmas with only 5 hours of sleep. Grayson had a great Christmas, but I think it was a little much for him to stay at Gray's last night. Maybe next year we'll work out something else. He called me later in the evening, told me he was homesick. I think he was just tired and overstimulated, and frustrated at having no cartoons to watch at his dad's house. Gray cut his cable down to just 27 channels, which means that he no longer gets any of the cartoon networks, without which Grayson goes into withdrawal.
Still, it made me feel bad. I felt bad for Gray's sake that he was calling me, and bad for Grayson that he was feeling homesick, and bad because I knew I couldn't do anything about it, just tell him to tough it out. I missed him, too. It would have been nice to just curl up on the couch together and watch his new Teen Titans videos and wind down.
So instead I watched movies and drank and bought music on the internet. I bought an entire Howard Jones album... one that I had originally on cassette tape in 1984. I vaguely remember sending the "What is Love" track to Biff. That probably scared the hell out of him. He's probably changing his phone number and screen names right now to escape the drunk and psychopathic stalker woman.
No, no, I just sent it because it was the Epitome of my '80s adolescence. I was watching Grosse Pointe Blank. I was having 80s nostalgia with my wine, and I hadn't actually heard the tune in, like, 15 years or more. Surely I can't be held accountable for my actions under those circumstances?
Speaking of high school nostalgia, I'm having dinner with my old buddy Chris Barrett tonight. He's in town for the holidays from Raleigh, and so we're going to get together over dinner and talk about how old we feel. That would be funny if it wasn't so true. I notice lately that a lot of my conversations with old friends find their way back to how old we are now. I don't really FEEL old, but I notice things about the 20 and 30-something set that make me realize that I AM old... okay, not old, but no longer strictly young. Middle aged, lets say.
"Beats the alternative." That's what someone I used to know would say about getting older. Yes, I have to agree with that. But there are other rewarding things about having acquired a certain age. I am who I am, and I don't have to make it up as I go along anymore. Well...Mostly.
So, with Christmas behind us we're now chasing the new year and it's time, I suppose, to start thinking about it. This is a New Year in a much more profound way for me this year. The divorce will be final on or around February 5... though really I think the sale of the house will more accurately mark my final separation from Gray. Until then, nothing is really final. I hope we can sell it by March. I worry about it.
But for me, entering the year ahead is a little like driving in a parking lot. No lines, no clear direction, no way of knowing where I'll come out. I don't feel like making a lot of plans now, either. I have to wait and see where I am, later on when I no longer feel like I'm just riding the wave. I want to buy a house, yes, but I can't even think about that until the current house sells, and there's no way to know when that will be. So I'm content. The closest thing to a resolution I want to make is a promise to myself to stay open to the spirit of the chaos – let it bring in what it will, to see what new materials and experiences I will have to work with on the other side.
I'm trying to welcome change, seek new experiences and reacquaint myself with old ones. I don't want to settle into any routines too quickly. I want to keep my spirit open to possibility.
Except today. Today I'm keeping my spirit open to coffee, the sofa and a good book. I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere, and yesterday was a big day. Today I laze.
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