Spring Break

So, as this picture clearly illustrates... Spring has arrived. Pay no attention to the 30-degree weather, the sleet, the snow or icy wind blowing in from the North Pole. The trees know the truth: Spring has freakin' sprung. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Spring Break begins today. My darling son has been shipped off to spend five days with his grandparents at lake Texoma, getting spoiled beyond all redemption. This morning I'm wallowing in the quiet, the lack of schedule, and a huge pot of very black coffee. Last night I got home at a reasonable hour and lounged on the sofa watching Dejah Vu and drinking wine.

My plans for total sobriety during the week only lasted one day. I was completely dry on Wednesday night, but on Thursday I quickly modified my resolution to only drinking wine after all my chores and responsibilities were done and Grayson was in bed. A compromise. But I will shoot for winelessness again next week, really, I will.

Tonight I'm on my own... just hanging out. I may hit the Blue Door, or I may lounge around and watch movies again.

Thoughts on the nature of love.

The modern romance is all about boundaries. With Gray I was always drawing the line as to what I would and would not sacrifice of myself for his sake. In retrospect, I see that in some ways our relationship was bordered by selfishness. You took what you could get away with, always holding something back as a trump card or bargaining chip. He did it as a matter of course. I did it as a matter of defense, without realizing it, or as a matter of principle, not wanting him to "win." But Bob is not that way. "If there is something about me that makes you unhappy, I'm going to do whatever I can to remedy it," he told me. Really? His statement took me by surprise. It was like he was speaking a foreign language, or had sprouted some sort of extra appendage. I honestly had not experienced that kind of love. Certainly not in the last years of my marriage... maybe not ever. I had grown a habit of protection, guarding my little enclave of petty defiances. Was he deluded? Desperate? Insane? Was he some sort of needy madman ready to transform himself completely to win my love? Or am I the one who has been living in a weird world? I think, maybe... the latter.

It has made me think. If you are both willing to make little changes to make the other happy, maybe those little changes will keep the bigger rifts from developing. Maybe you don't need to torture your soul over whether or not to change big things, because you're both making small minor adjustments and compromises out of love and respect for one another. Maybe there doesn't need to be any struggle for control if you are both giving up control. Maybe? Maybe if you are not so afraid of losing yourself, you won't need to guard yourself quite so closely.
Maybe. Maybe.

I hope so. I'm going to test it and find out.