The Church of the Blue Door

A gorgeous day yesterday. 70 degrees and mild. I was so glad of the opportunity to go dig in the dirt with a bunch of volunteers at Grayson's school. We were clearing some flowerbeds so the school can build some raised-bed vegetable gardens there for the kids. I spent a couple of hours digging up bushes and moving them. It felt good to get my hands in the dirt. In fact, it was as good as I have felt, as light hearted, in weeks.

I had run by the house to borrow a shovel on the way, and afterwards, I dropped by to return it. I was in for an unpleasant surprise. Bethany was at my house. I saw a silver SUV parked out front, and I guess I should have just kept driving, but I wanted to get the shovel out of my car and I think I was just shaken enough that I had to get confirmation on whose car that was.

So I pulled up, got out of the car, greeted Kobi, who had of course jumped the fence to come see me, and glimpsed Gray sittingin the living room. I didn't see Her. But I could tell someone was in there with him.

So I just went around the back, returned the shovel, and turned on the tap outside to wash the dirt off my hands. Gray came out and awkwardly made conversation, how was gardening, etc. He told me Grayson was at John's house. I asked whose car that was and he said "Bethany was in the neighborhood..." He actually offered me a beer! I just barked "Nope," got in the car and drove off. She was in MY HOUSE.

That's what it was. Of course I know he's seeing her. But not in my house. It's still my house. It just really rubbed my fur the wrong way. I stopped to buy beer and realized my happy little buzz from the digging and sunshine was gone. I was really bothered.

Bob called to tell me what a nice time he'd had the night before, meeting me. At first I was reluctant to talk to him, I was so twisted over Bethany. So I got off the phone quickly and went home. Gray started sending me emails and text messages apologizing for the awkwardness, explaining that he and Grayson had run into Bethany at the mall, and since Grayson was going to be at John's, Gray had invited her to come by for a beer. I totally cannot blame him. Of course, I have no grounds for objection. But she was IN MY HOUSE. And suddenly I did NOT have a right to be in my house, because she was there. It was such a miserable feeling. Gray told me that after I left even Bethany said she felt bad for me, for that very reason: "I'm in her house, Gray," she told him. She's got to be an okay person, but I have no need to meet her. We have just a little too much in common, if you know what I mean...

Anyway. The story has a happy ending. I got home, cracked open a beer, kicked off my shoes and went out to the balcony to sit in the sun and breathe. Let things go. I called Bob back and I'm really happy to say that we had a great conversation. I usually don't care to talk on the phone for extended periods of time, but I talked with him for two hours! I told him he'd gained a whole lot more points during the conversation, because our conversation at the bar had been so scattered and light, it was hard to make any judgements about it. But talking with him yesterday in the sun was easy and good. It made me think I would be okay, after all, and life goes on.

So I got myself cleaned up and went to the Blue Door to hear Travis Linville. I'd never heard of him, but I knew it would be a great show, and it was. The house was full, all sorts of people, but all My people. All there to hear great music in this great old scruffy tumbledown box of a listening house. All with their bottles of wine and coolers of beer, all clapping in rhythm, tapping their feet and cheering the skinny, geeky-looking guy on the stage who could make that guitar just Sing. It's as close to church as I need to get.

I couldn't believe it had been some 12 years since I was there. Gray didn't like that folksy "shitty" music, and wouldn't go with me. And as a consequence, I've been away from something that makes me feel so Right with the World all this time. So now I know that the Blue Door is one of the many litmus tests the next Man in my life has to pass. I feel like I'm just re-discovering myself, layer by layer. Like I've opened up an old chest and found inside it all these pieces of Me I had forgotten existed. It's wonderful and a little sad at the same time... how much of me I had given up for him.

And I swear to myself that I will never give up Me for anyone. Ever. again.