So I had my photo shoot today for the Single in the City feature in Oklahoma Magazine. Yesterday at lunch I went to Dillards and "bought" (read: "borrowed") a $118 little stretchy black wrap dress for the "dressy" photo. I took it back after work today. Cute dress. But I needed that $118!!
The shoot was uneventful. They did a couple of group shots of mixed guys and girls, then a really awkward individual shot where they had someone chat you up while they shoot, so they can get more "animated" photos.
Which means I'll look like a complete dork. I do that weird thing with my lips when I talk, I always hate seeing myself on video or in "candid" shots where I'm talking. Weird lips.
At least my dress looked good.
Gray told me during our big two-hour phone fight last night that he considered the singles story to be in poor taste. "Tacky," was what he called it. And "embarassing" to him that it would happen so soon after we split up. He called it an "I'll show you" move on my part.
As it was. So he got one thing right.
Yes, we had a long nasty fight on the phone yesterday. About EVERYTHING, but first about money. Sad how so much keeps coming down to money. I won't go into the sordid details, but we did reach an understanding. We look at this period as checking things off the list, wrapping up loose ends. Little by little I hope we can both get our grievances off our chests and those loose ends neatly wrapped up and cauterized so we an get on to the rest of our lives.
It does feel like cauterization. Searing and hot and painful. But it stops the bleeding, and hopefuly will keep the old wounds and bitternesses from opening up again and inviting infection.
Meanwhile, I'm coming down with something of a cold. Sore throat today, and headache. Blah. So unfun.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Safeguards
Greetings, friends.
So, those who now have access to Scrawlspace will notice that I've moved it and limited its availability to invitees only.
The reason is that I'm feeling a little concerned about the access Gray has had to my life, so I'm making changes and shutting some doors and windows to help protect my space and privacy. I'm limiting access to the blog, changing passwords, locks, etc. Recent events have led me to believe that I need to draw some clear lines of demarcation, and that I can no longer be sure I know what he will do or say.
Gray came home early on Friday from his Magical Mystery Tour and came straight here from the airport to ask me to take him back. I told him I didn't know if I wanted him back. He pressed his case, but I told him I needed time. Today I let him know that I am not coming back. I did it as gently as possible, just explained that what has happened between us has changed the way I feel about him and what I want for my future. I want to move forward now, not back. I'm going on with the divorce, and as quickly as possible.
He seemed to take it well, at first. But then he opened his mouth and some nasty things came out. Instantly I realized what a great decision I had made. The scales have been falling from my eyes these days. Honestly, I don't know how I stayed married to him for as long as I did. I just couldn't see him for what he is. Not only do I no longer love him, it's all I can do to keep from hating him.
I'm hoping that maybe if I can move up the finalization date on the divorce, cut down on interactions and get our lives separated as much as possible, maybe that will help end the drama. Selling the house of course would be the best cure, but there's nothing I can do about that. I just want to put the whole grisly mess behind me, get my feet back on the ground and start blazing a new trail.
Godspeed, John Glenn.
So, those who now have access to Scrawlspace will notice that I've moved it and limited its availability to invitees only.
The reason is that I'm feeling a little concerned about the access Gray has had to my life, so I'm making changes and shutting some doors and windows to help protect my space and privacy. I'm limiting access to the blog, changing passwords, locks, etc. Recent events have led me to believe that I need to draw some clear lines of demarcation, and that I can no longer be sure I know what he will do or say.
Gray came home early on Friday from his Magical Mystery Tour and came straight here from the airport to ask me to take him back. I told him I didn't know if I wanted him back. He pressed his case, but I told him I needed time. Today I let him know that I am not coming back. I did it as gently as possible, just explained that what has happened between us has changed the way I feel about him and what I want for my future. I want to move forward now, not back. I'm going on with the divorce, and as quickly as possible.
He seemed to take it well, at first. But then he opened his mouth and some nasty things came out. Instantly I realized what a great decision I had made. The scales have been falling from my eyes these days. Honestly, I don't know how I stayed married to him for as long as I did. I just couldn't see him for what he is. Not only do I no longer love him, it's all I can do to keep from hating him.
I'm hoping that maybe if I can move up the finalization date on the divorce, cut down on interactions and get our lives separated as much as possible, maybe that will help end the drama. Selling the house of course would be the best cure, but there's nothing I can do about that. I just want to put the whole grisly mess behind me, get my feet back on the ground and start blazing a new trail.
Godspeed, John Glenn.
Friday, January 2, 2009
A Brave New Year
Happy New Year.
I spent all day on New Year's Day lounging on the sofa, reading, and practicing my guitar. I'm not really as awful with it as you might expect. I've been learning new chords from online charts, and looking up easy song tabs to try out. I still can't change chords without piecing them together finger by finger, but there are several I now remember, at least.
I love my sexy black guitar.
So, the washing machine was out all week. I called on Saturday, then again on Monday. Finally on New Year's Eve the guy came out to take a look at it. I explained that it doesn't turn on. You pull the switch. Nothin'. So he tried it. Sure enough, nothin'. He tried it again. Nothin'. Again. Nothin'. Again again again again again, really fast.
Damned if the thing didn't come on.
He kind of smiled at me, shrugged, and split. So now I have been slogging through a week's worth of laundry. My life is so exciting.
I got an email yesterday from the folks at Oklahoma Magazine. They've scheduled the photo shoot for "Single in the City" for Tuesday. That's fine. Here's the catch: I have to dress MYSELF. Yes, here I was being confident that they would dress me, but Nooooooo. I am expected to come up with my own Look. And to make things worse, I have a color scheme to adhere to. Black, gray, brown and.... green.
GREEN???
Are you shitting me? I don't think I even own anything green. Now I'm beginning to hyperventilate about the whole thing. I'm expected to bring two outfits: One casual going-out outfit, and one dressed-up going-out outfit. Here's another kicker... All my fancy dress clothes are in storage. I'm hoping and praying my friend Jin can dress me. She at least has taste.
New Year's Eve was low-key. Biff, as I mentioned, went MIA, so I called my old friend Chris Freihofer and begged for an invite to his annual New Year's get-together. There were seven of us who got together for dinner at Misal and then hung out drinking and talking at Chris and Beth's until midnight. I was back at my folks' house at 12:20.
So here we are in a new year, trailing clouds of glory from all the drama of the last one. I know that this year ahead will take me to a whole new place. Possibly one I cannot even imagine at this point. I have one goal: get comfortable in my own skin. Right now I am so uncertain and screwed up that everything messes with me. I overthink everything and second guess myself and misconstrue situations and conversations. I'm a ball of doubt.
So that's my goal. Make peace with myself. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, I'm thin and pretty enough. And by gosh, people like me.
Surely. Someone.
I spent all day on New Year's Day lounging on the sofa, reading, and practicing my guitar. I'm not really as awful with it as you might expect. I've been learning new chords from online charts, and looking up easy song tabs to try out. I still can't change chords without piecing them together finger by finger, but there are several I now remember, at least.
I love my sexy black guitar.
So, the washing machine was out all week. I called on Saturday, then again on Monday. Finally on New Year's Eve the guy came out to take a look at it. I explained that it doesn't turn on. You pull the switch. Nothin'. So he tried it. Sure enough, nothin'. He tried it again. Nothin'. Again. Nothin'. Again again again again again, really fast.
Damned if the thing didn't come on.
He kind of smiled at me, shrugged, and split. So now I have been slogging through a week's worth of laundry. My life is so exciting.
I got an email yesterday from the folks at Oklahoma Magazine. They've scheduled the photo shoot for "Single in the City" for Tuesday. That's fine. Here's the catch: I have to dress MYSELF. Yes, here I was being confident that they would dress me, but Nooooooo. I am expected to come up with my own Look. And to make things worse, I have a color scheme to adhere to. Black, gray, brown and.... green.
GREEN???
Are you shitting me? I don't think I even own anything green. Now I'm beginning to hyperventilate about the whole thing. I'm expected to bring two outfits: One casual going-out outfit, and one dressed-up going-out outfit. Here's another kicker... All my fancy dress clothes are in storage. I'm hoping and praying my friend Jin can dress me. She at least has taste.
New Year's Eve was low-key. Biff, as I mentioned, went MIA, so I called my old friend Chris Freihofer and begged for an invite to his annual New Year's get-together. There were seven of us who got together for dinner at Misal and then hung out drinking and talking at Chris and Beth's until midnight. I was back at my folks' house at 12:20.
So here we are in a new year, trailing clouds of glory from all the drama of the last one. I know that this year ahead will take me to a whole new place. Possibly one I cannot even imagine at this point. I have one goal: get comfortable in my own skin. Right now I am so uncertain and screwed up that everything messes with me. I overthink everything and second guess myself and misconstrue situations and conversations. I'm a ball of doubt.
So that's my goal. Make peace with myself. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, I'm thin and pretty enough. And by gosh, people like me.
Surely. Someone.
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