The Crazy Dog Lady Within

Lately I've been dissatisfied with Life. Maybe it' the spring(ish) weather... maybe it's something else. But I've been looking around lately and thinking "this is it? Really?"

It seems as though I'm always saying I'm going to do things that never get done. Write that book, buy that house... lose ten pounds. Train my dogs not to greet visitors so exuberantly that they are knocked over onto the front porch.

The other thing I keep saying I'm going to do that I never do is Take My Life in Hand... like I'm probably about to do now.

I worry that I've become Inert. That this period of relative peace and quiet following the turmoil of Divorce has become my way of life. That I have officially decided to settle for Good Enough. And what's wrong with that?

I'm afraid I'm just one step away from being that lady who lives alone with her dogs. That sad lady. Her house is a mess and she no longer makes any effort about how she looks because nobody sees her anymore. She gave up on Being Someone and now she just Is.

Of course, I can't let this happen to me, right? I have to take life by the throat and wring from it every last prescious drop. I have to LIVE.

Or maybe, like Dory says in Finding Nemo.... maybe all I really need to do is "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.... what do we do? We swim, swim, swim."

Or maybe, if I'm going to be the Dog Lady, I should just set my sights on being the Best Damned Dog Lady I can. The world's doggiest Dog Lady. I'll wear funny hats and talk to myself, maybe.

No. No. I don't have an answer. I do think I'm restless for a reason, however. I do think maybe I've Settled, a bit... allowed myself to take the easy road, let things just happen, not make any choices. I like to think I'd Make the Bold Choice if I had a bold choice to make. I don't see any such laid before me. I see mild choices. Quiet choices. But I'm not blazing any new trails.

Last night, I found myself wandering the outskirts of Despair, and thought I'd better catch a cab out of there, so I sent text message SOSes to my friend Jin, who has a much firmer grip on the the throat of Life than I do... and to my friend Michael, who's a good listener and always takes my side.

Jin's message said "you got a minute to talk me down off the tower with my uzi?"

Michael's just said "where you?"

Within minutes, both lifelines were being hauled in. Jin called, laughing that even though her new phone didn't yet have my name associated with my number, she knew instantly who the message was from... me being her only friend with a penchant for clock towers and high powered automatic weapons.

Michael responded with the name of the pub where he was having a cold one before heading home to pack for his Spring Break family trip to Arkansas.

So I poured my heart out to Jin while driving with my dog in my lap to the pub. And Jin told me I was fine just the way I am, and Michael listened intently and took my side. And so, though I was a bit doggy (Kobi had to wait in the car, where she met lots of new friends as they came out of the pub), I was not alone. And there are people in the world who still think I'm funny and likeable and generally worthwhile, even when sometimes I don't.

And maybe that's what Living really is... just keeping in touch with those spider-threads of connection that hold you in time and space -- that keep you from drifting off in the world into sad, lonely dogginess. And maybe that's good enough, and I don't have to do Exciting Things or go on Adventures.

At least I hope so.