A horrible post

I should probably make a nice long blog about this, but I just can't,

Forgive me, the period-key on my laptop has been broken off by Roxy stepping on it and so I will have to substitute another mark for a period* How about an asterisk?

So last Wednesday Roxy, who had been lying in front of the door where the chicks were living, got in* She killed Gloria* I found her and spent some half an hour looking for the other two* Finally found Repecka under my bed and Vera behind a trash can in the bathroom, unscathed*

Thursday afternoon we buried Gloria in the back yard with many tears* Within half an hour, Roxy had burst in to the room again and killed the other two* It was so sad I can't even give a full account except that Grayson found them and when he realized what had happened, I'll never forget the way he cried, saying "I want them back! I want them back!"

Horrible* Just horrible* I buried them near Gloria, but not before Roxy had gone back, grabbed one of their towel-wrapped little bodies off the table, and chewed its head off* Thank god, Grayson didn't see or know* He was lying on the sofa just a few feet away, sobbing into a pillow*

Then today, I took Mambo out into the yard for some sun* I put him inside a ring of wire fencing on the grass and set him on a log* I worked near him for a few minutes, then I went over to the garden and planted a single plant* When I went back to check on him, he was gone* Vanished* I couldn't have been away 10 minutes* I spent four hours looking for him, turning over every plant and feeling under every bush and bunch of grass* I completely tossed over a big woodpile by the shed* He's nowhere to be found* Either he's really hunkered down somewhere or he's dead* Taken by a hawk, perhaps* I just can't believe it*

Grayson has been with his dad and Gray's mom all afternoon* He know Mambo is missing, and doesn't seem hysterical* I think he's been able to convince himself that Mambo is "free," out having adventures somewhere, and of course I'll help to perpetuate that* But Mambo is either dead or in peril, and there's nothing I can do*

I don't know how I could be so wrong about things, how I can keep making choices that will cause me and my boy terrible pain* Sometimes it seems like I can't do anything right, that I'm always making poor choices, getting us into things we can't handle, screwing things up*

Grayson is such a sweet and good natured kid* God, I just want to make his life a happy one, filled with good experiences, but it seems like everything I touch dies*