The Color of Character

The good news... the house has sold (well, pending inspection on June 2), I have a new place to live, and I'm going to be able to get my house (both figuratively and literally) in order very soon.

The bad news... Grayson's room is this color:

Yeah. I said it was bad. Krysten, my Fabulous Assistant, voiced exactly what I thought when I saw it the first time: "whoa. Baby shit yellow."

Yup. Baby shit yellow. Dude, that's gotta go. So next week, while Grayson spends a relaxing week with his dad, his mom will be repainting his new room. Something ... not heinous.

I gotta say, I'm over any love affair I may ever have had with painting. Wait... I've never had a love affair with painting. Painting sucks. But, it is a cheap fix to a hum-drum room, smells new, and makes you feel like you've put your personal stamp on a space. So... I paint.

There are a couple of fun quirky bits about this house. One: the Odd Room. The house was built with three bedrooms, but one was taken out to enlarge the living/dining area. For some unfathomable reason, rather than take the whole room out, they took... most ... of it out. Leaving an odd miniature room three feet wide and 9 feet long. With a closet in it. Go figure. Because the door opens into the room, it's an awkward coat closet. But I told Grayson it could be his own personal little Odd Room.

Today when I picked G up from SPARK, Chantelle, who runs the program and is a perfectly lovely woman, told me "He's pretty sad about the move to Norman." I asked why she said that and she told me that Grayson had asked if the SPARK bus picked up kids at his new school. That made me sad. I hope that he will be happy in the new neighborhood and the new school. I hope it's not too hard on him to move. He has been so adaptable through this whole process. I need him to adapt just one more time. Then we'll settle in and get normal.

There are days when I hate G, and every time I see this whole wretched scenario negatively affecting our son, I hate him. Even for the fact that Grayson has to deal with the realities of "Mom's boyfriend." I hate him for that, too. I know eventually I have to give it up, let go of hating him. And sometimes I do. Sometimes I can almost forgive him, I can almost be friendly with him. But underneath is this seething hatred and disgust for the weak, self-centered person that he turned out to be. I thought, I really believed, that he was better than he is. But he has this fatal flaw... this inner weakness that seems to trump and negate all the finer qualities that I also know are there. He's a good dad... but he'll willingly let Grayson go so he can do whatever he wants. He's thoughtful and polite, but doesn't really care about anyone but himself. He's a really nice guy... but he will really nicely let everything that doesn't involve his own pleasure go to hell... and then find a way to exonerate himself, in his own mind, at least... from all blame. Weak of character. Baby shit Yellow.