This final break-up with a dear friend lifts a veil and I don't think I like what's under it very much. I see myself in a new light and it's not pretty. It's stupid and selfish and cold. I am beginning to believe that I have spent my life building an impenetrable wall around myself, and my interactions with others are false: farces performed by personas I put on when I need to, to cover my vacuity. This sounds really self-pitying. But I'm terribly afraid it may be true.
It's terrifying to me that I may be living inside a complete lie, blind to my own narcissism and dispassion. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for fear that I really have no idea who I am, and nothing is real.
If you're gleaning from this that the final rupture with John arrived, you're right. It's also unsettling because suddenly I'm dealing with a person I don't know at all, a bitter, angry person I have never seen him be, and I am heartsick that this change is because of me, and I didn't do the right thing somehow and I didn't even know what the right thing was.
I still don't.
How can I love? I have failed over and over and over again. I enter a relationship full of hope and trust... but gradually my heart just shuts down, closing like a camera aperture. I want space, I want things my way, I want out. Even in relationships I thought I was succeeding at, I look back and I see myself becoming critical, unpleasant, hard. Who is this monster?
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