The good news is I'm feeling much cheerier about life and less snippy with everyone these days. The bad news is that I got my bloodwork back from the Doc today and I'm showing up positive for lupus.
Now, there's no one test that definitively diagnoses lupus, so it's not a sure thing. But whatever it is, it ain't good news for my poor old joints. Doc is getting me set up to see a rheumatologist to get a confirmation and set me up on a course of treatment. If it IS lupus, it's manageable, not curable, and likely to worsen over time, but not kill me. If I'm a very good girl, and do what the doctors tell me to do, it's unlikely to be "what gets me," as the doctor put it.
In a way, it's a relief. Not a great diagnosis, I'll admit, but at least we know it's something definable, not just pain. Pain from a cause, even one doctors don't understand and can't cure, is at least something on the map, and I know I'm not nuts. There's a reason why I'm bruising too easily, sleeping too much, can't remember things, and hurt all over. Hopefully there are ways to manage and overcome the worst of the ill effects of the disease and I'll live to be an annoying old woman.
My kidneys are doing fine, and I have no skin symptoms, as some lupus patients do, so for now at least, it's just attacking my joints. Flare ups can be caused by stress, which god knows I've had plenty of this year, so it' s not surprising that it would manifest itself now. And from what it looks like, in the limited on-line reading I've done, the medications are not too horrible. I hopefully won't have to take a steroid, because my symptoms are not really all that severe and my organs aren't involved. Anyway... that's my hope. We'll have to wait until I can see the specialist.
The only thing that really concerns me is the memory loss. It's good to know I'm not imagining this, but not good to know that loss of cognitive function is an active symptom in my case. Some people don't have this. I clearly do. I've written it off to emotional stress, but I think it's more likely a symptom of the disease. That scares me. I don't want to lose my memory, or not be able to concentrate. I'll sure be quizzing the doctor about how to slow down that process.
On a brighter note... I get to bring my boy home tomorrow! I'm so missing him. I just want to lock ourselves up in our little house and snuggle on the sofa and eat pizza and watch TV all weekend. I can hardly wait to see him!
I got a postcard from him yesterday:
"HI Camp's been going good ecxept for this. Coperhead snakes! But luckly I hav'nt been bitten."
: )
Yes, luckly indeed, my dear funny boy. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll have him home again!
Friday, July 17, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Free at Last
Ladies and gentlemen....
Dear Friends.
As of today I have officially severed the last shred of paperwork that bound me to to ex husband. Okay, besides the divorce decree, child support agreement and the fact that we have a child in common. Otherwise, I have washed that man right out of my hair.
Yesterday I finalized the loan that paid off my part of the last remaining joint debt. Yes, I still owe a shitload of money... but I don't owe it to him.
Today I refinanced my car in my name only and G signed the title over. It's officially mine, all mine. All 93,000 miles of it. God bless its little red heart.
I used the additional loan money to pay off one of my personal credit cards and put a significant dent in what was owed on the other. So now my feet touch bottom again, financially, for the first time in many many months.
Though it's a symbolic thing, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from me. Not having anything I have to share with G, with the notable exception of Grayson himself, helps me put "my behind in my past" as Pumba says in The Lion King. I feel like I can start moving and looking in the same direction... no longer moving forward, looking back.
Dear Friends.
As of today I have officially severed the last shred of paperwork that bound me to to ex husband. Okay, besides the divorce decree, child support agreement and the fact that we have a child in common. Otherwise, I have washed that man right out of my hair.
Yesterday I finalized the loan that paid off my part of the last remaining joint debt. Yes, I still owe a shitload of money... but I don't owe it to him.
Today I refinanced my car in my name only and G signed the title over. It's officially mine, all mine. All 93,000 miles of it. God bless its little red heart.
I used the additional loan money to pay off one of my personal credit cards and put a significant dent in what was owed on the other. So now my feet touch bottom again, financially, for the first time in many many months.
Though it's a symbolic thing, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from me. Not having anything I have to share with G, with the notable exception of Grayson himself, helps me put "my behind in my past" as Pumba says in The Lion King. I feel like I can start moving and looking in the same direction... no longer moving forward, looking back.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Camp
We dropped Grayson off at Camp Classen yesterday. It was a hard thing to do. All morning he was solemn and quiet, or else moaning that he didn't feel well. I know he was just anxious about camp, but it wrung my heart.
He was silent all the way there. He did smile when we got to the camp and he saw the lake and the cabins and could see how nice it was. But then he was very serious and wide-eyed again as we said our goodbyes.
I don't know if he cried in his bunk on Sunday night, but I got awfully sad worrying over him before I went to bed.
This morning, no doubt, he is feeling better, I'm sure. And the day is full of fun and sun and new friends. And I sent him a care package to get at mail-call today, with a waterproof camera in it, so he can take pictures of all his new experiences.I miss my boy.
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