On Kissing in Parking Lots

I spent a certain amount of time getting kissed in parking lots yesterday.

Went to lunch at Misal with Bob – that's him at left. (He's the cute grown-up, not the cute boy). It was a mildly nervous, chatty hour. He looked very much the art professor, with his scruff of beard and suede jacket over a nubbly brown sweater. After lunch he walked me out to my car and kissed me in the parking lot. I think it's the first time I've been kissed, really kissed – sober and in broad daylight – in a public place, in about five years. I probably turned the color of a radish.

I came back to work and felt like everyone was looking at me. I have to laugh at myself. There's something about sobriety that makes the whole experience much more significant somehow. I mean, drunk, you'll kiss anyone, let anyone kiss you, and think nothing of it. Possibly not even remember it clearly. But sober, and in broad daylight, in front of God and everyone. And being kissed, not being the one doing the kissing.... it's a whole different deal. Aren't I learning lots of new things every day?

Then after work I went to the Jacobson House to "rehearse" for the theatrical performance Jin roped me into. I play, as I think I mentioned, the Shrieking Maid in this reinactment of an evening in the home of Oscar Jacobson with the Kiowa Five in 1930. I have not other responibilities, other than opening the door, seeing the Indians there in full regalia, and running screaming into the kitchen. The meeting took about an hour, and since I knew Gray was prepared to watch Grayson until 8, I met Bob for a drink at Louie's on the way home.

This is my third "date" with him in a week. But does it count as a date if it's just an hour long? Or do all three add up to one date? I don't know, but we had a couple of glasses of wine and then it was time for me to head back to the city. Again he walked me to my car, and again I got kissed in the parking lot. Is this where all women receive their first kisses in a new relationship? Much more of this and I'm going to become conditioned to expect to be smooched every time I go out to my car.

I was 16 minutes late picking up Grayson, and Gray was mad at me because he apparently had plans with Bethany. He didn't tell me that, though, to begin with, so I didn't feel too bad about running late. He gave me a line about how "For future reference, if we say a certain time, we mean a certain time." Whatever. It's so much easier for him to hook up with her – because he doesn't have G all week – that I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. He knew he had Grayson that evening, why did he make a plan for then? I'm actually a bit glad to give him the chance to experience the real challenges of single parenthood. Having Grayson every other weekend barely counts. He should try it for a couple of weeks in a row and see how creative he has to get. I bet he hasn't had any 1-hour dates.

I had a sitter arranged for this Friday, speaking of... so I could go to the Blue Door show again. But when I did the math I realized that the entire evening was going to cost me upward of $50. So I'm going to be obliged to cancel. I can't afford it. And I guess I'm not going to keep looking for new dates on Match. If I'm letting Bob smooch me in the parking lot, I guess I'll cancel the others for a while and see how this pans out.

So here I go again. Wish me luck.

Dude Review 2

Last night I had my first date with Roddy. He's a very cute National Guardsman, born in Britain, raised in Jamaica. We had dinner at Sweet Basil, and followed up with drinks at Bison Witches. A laid-back, getting-to-know-you date, very informal. I stole this photo off his Facebook page. Can't really see his face but, seriously... do you need to?

He's frankly a little intimidating. Not on purpose. His manner is very relaxed and friendly. I think he doesn't know how bizarre and exciting his life has been. He went to school with Bob Marley's nephews in Jamaica. Moved to New York with his family when he was 17 and joined the British army. Decided to travel around the world, joining up with various militaries, but got side-tracked by marriage, and went into... get this, I'm NOT kidding, deep-sea construction. Yeah, diving down and building oil rigs in the open ocean. He also helped to build the Big Dig in Boston.

Got divorced, lead river trips for awhile, got remarried, re-joined the US National Guard and got sent to Iraq. Came back, got divorced (again). Now he's a career Guardsman, doing surprise inspections on units all around the area.

I was surprised at how little his accent showed, though I could hear it more after he'd had a couple of Guinness than I could hear it at first. His background is Jamaican (dad), Scottish (mom) and Chinese, a few generations back. But he looks like your average European mutt. Cuteness factor: definitely a positive. Accent under the influence of alcohol a STRONG positive. But I'm not sure if there's any connection. As I said, what stories can I possibly have to tell to a man whose life experiences are so off the map? I felt like the most boring person I'd ever met compared to him.

He said he'd had a good time, however, and we should definitely get together again, so we'll see. I couldn't have made too bad an impression. I tried to hold up my end of the conversation. He was not in any way full of himself. I truly think he takes his unusual circumstances completely for granted. It would be fun to go motorcycling around doing cool things with him...

Meanwhile, no further contact from Bob. I went out this weekend and bought a copy of that book "He's Just Not That Into You," which has become my bible. I'm not calling another man. Ever. And I'm keeping my heart under lock and key.

On that topic... Gray came by yesterday afternoon with Grayson. They had a couple of hours to kill during the Open House, so they hung out with me. Gray and I talked a bit about our dating experiences, and I told him that his advice and suggestions were a bit much for me. Okay, a lot too much for me. I reminded him I'm not his buddy. I'm his ex-wife, and just because I wouldn't take him back doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt me that he has someone new, that she's hanging out with her baby in my house....

And Gray once again offered to take Grayson full time. I was pissed. I told him "that insults me. Do you think I'm unstable? Incompetent?" He said no, but he would make a standing offer to take Grayson and continue to pay child support to me. WTF??? I told him thanks for his standing offer and he could just accept my standing refusal. I don't know what he's getting at with that offer, but there does seem to be this general assumption that I'm a bit unstable. Hell, Maybe I am. Probably I am. But he's not the paragon of sensibility he's making himself out to be right now.

He was miffed that Grayson knew about Biff lying to me and cheating on me. But I told Grayson that to explain to him why his mom was acting crazy, crying and screaming into the phone. I didn't want him to think it was because of him, and since I hadn't been able to regulate my reaction to the whole situation, he was party to waaaaay more of it than he should have been. I don't regret telling him. I guess I should have told Gray that I had done so. I have promised myself to keep my personal dating life way more secure from Grayson than I did with Biff. I won't mention any names until we've been dating for MONTHS. I just can't put the kid through that again. I know it's not healthy.

I realize that Gray is genuinely concerned for Grayson and (probably) for me. But I told him we need more separation between our lives. I don't need or want to receive inside information about his relationship, and I don't intend to share inside information about mine.

I'm going to go on record here and make a prediction, however. Bethany's going to screw him over. She has not taken down her Match account like he has, and she has a long history of dating multiple guys over long periods of time. Either she's going to double-dip on him, or else she's going to suggest they both start seeing other people and Gray's going to be hurt. I know he is right where I was when I met Biff: ready for affection, coming out of a habit of commitment, totally trusting. I just have a feeling about it. I told him I didn't want or need to meet her. He gave me his "what a bitch" look and said hey, I'll come to the wedding. That's time enough to meet her. But she's going to dump on him one way or another, and you heard it here first.

Meanwhile, I am in the process of arranging a meeting with a Match guy in Dallas. I'm going to Texas on a media blitz at the end of this month and so we've agreed to get together for dinner while I'm there. He's funny as hell in his emails, so we'll see.

Dating makes me tired.

The Church of the Blue Door

A gorgeous day yesterday. 70 degrees and mild. I was so glad of the opportunity to go dig in the dirt with a bunch of volunteers at Grayson's school. We were clearing some flowerbeds so the school can build some raised-bed vegetable gardens there for the kids. I spent a couple of hours digging up bushes and moving them. It felt good to get my hands in the dirt. In fact, it was as good as I have felt, as light hearted, in weeks.

I had run by the house to borrow a shovel on the way, and afterwards, I dropped by to return it. I was in for an unpleasant surprise. Bethany was at my house. I saw a silver SUV parked out front, and I guess I should have just kept driving, but I wanted to get the shovel out of my car and I think I was just shaken enough that I had to get confirmation on whose car that was.

So I pulled up, got out of the car, greeted Kobi, who had of course jumped the fence to come see me, and glimpsed Gray sittingin the living room. I didn't see Her. But I could tell someone was in there with him.

So I just went around the back, returned the shovel, and turned on the tap outside to wash the dirt off my hands. Gray came out and awkwardly made conversation, how was gardening, etc. He told me Grayson was at John's house. I asked whose car that was and he said "Bethany was in the neighborhood..." He actually offered me a beer! I just barked "Nope," got in the car and drove off. She was in MY HOUSE.

That's what it was. Of course I know he's seeing her. But not in my house. It's still my house. It just really rubbed my fur the wrong way. I stopped to buy beer and realized my happy little buzz from the digging and sunshine was gone. I was really bothered.

Bob called to tell me what a nice time he'd had the night before, meeting me. At first I was reluctant to talk to him, I was so twisted over Bethany. So I got off the phone quickly and went home. Gray started sending me emails and text messages apologizing for the awkwardness, explaining that he and Grayson had run into Bethany at the mall, and since Grayson was going to be at John's, Gray had invited her to come by for a beer. I totally cannot blame him. Of course, I have no grounds for objection. But she was IN MY HOUSE. And suddenly I did NOT have a right to be in my house, because she was there. It was such a miserable feeling. Gray told me that after I left even Bethany said she felt bad for me, for that very reason: "I'm in her house, Gray," she told him. She's got to be an okay person, but I have no need to meet her. We have just a little too much in common, if you know what I mean...

Anyway. The story has a happy ending. I got home, cracked open a beer, kicked off my shoes and went out to the balcony to sit in the sun and breathe. Let things go. I called Bob back and I'm really happy to say that we had a great conversation. I usually don't care to talk on the phone for extended periods of time, but I talked with him for two hours! I told him he'd gained a whole lot more points during the conversation, because our conversation at the bar had been so scattered and light, it was hard to make any judgements about it. But talking with him yesterday in the sun was easy and good. It made me think I would be okay, after all, and life goes on.

So I got myself cleaned up and went to the Blue Door to hear Travis Linville. I'd never heard of him, but I knew it would be a great show, and it was. The house was full, all sorts of people, but all My people. All there to hear great music in this great old scruffy tumbledown box of a listening house. All with their bottles of wine and coolers of beer, all clapping in rhythm, tapping their feet and cheering the skinny, geeky-looking guy on the stage who could make that guitar just Sing. It's as close to church as I need to get.

I couldn't believe it had been some 12 years since I was there. Gray didn't like that folksy "shitty" music, and wouldn't go with me. And as a consequence, I've been away from something that makes me feel so Right with the World all this time. So now I know that the Blue Door is one of the many litmus tests the next Man in my life has to pass. I feel like I'm just re-discovering myself, layer by layer. Like I've opened up an old chest and found inside it all these pieces of Me I had forgotten existed. It's wonderful and a little sad at the same time... how much of me I had given up for him.

And I swear to myself that I will never give up Me for anyone. Ever. again.