I was watching Masterpiece Mystery with Grayson last night and I realized one of the reasons I love the BBC. There were several women in the cast of this particular episode. And some of them who were playing adults over the age of 45 were actually adults over the age of 45. And looked it. The women were grown-ups. The men were un-sexy. And yet the characters were still endearing, interesting and likeable. Despite not being 22 and 15 pounds underweight.
American television is horrifying. Take, for example, the terrific BBC show "Being Human." The Americans tried to do a knock off and it was terrible. I got through one episode. Not even one whole episode. In the BBC version, the characters were all good looking enough, but they were also very real, warm, interesting, an dressed like people. In the American version, they were all Abercrombie and Fitch models who were too busy posing to be even a little bit interesting. I didn't believe they were actually human, much less vampires and werewolves pretending to be human. A stop-motion film using mannequins would have been more convincing.
I'm ranting for a reason. I realized that when I watch BBC television, I feel better about myself. Why? Because I'm looking at images of interesting, real-looking 40-something women who don't look like super models. American TV is depressing. Even the actors who really ARE 400-something look like they're 25. Or they look like Darra Torres. I know I'm supposed to cheer for Darra Torres because she's 45 or something and still has an unbelievably strong bod. But statistically speaking, women like Darra Torres are as common as little green men. I'm tired of being told I should aspire to be like her. Or like any of the super-thin, hard-faced women on television representing my generation.
The Brits have got it right, I think. Why not represent women the way we are? Funny, smart, interesting, quirky, thin, fat, chunky, drooping about the jowls or boobs or whatever. The people in our lives love us for who we are, not what we look like. And isn't that what makes a good character? Characters are not just empty suits with good cheekbones!
I say that though I have been doggedly hitting the gym, trying to lift my ass off the backs of my knees in time for our trip to Galveston. I don't really think I'm going to make any improvement in how I actually look in a bathing suit. I just wish I could feel better about it. I just want to not walk along the beach thinking about the way I look. I want... I most sincerely want ...to not care.
There's a joke I heard years ago that I still think is funny. "When I was twenty-five I worried about what everyone was thinking about me. When I was forty-five I didn't give a damn what anyone was thinking about me... and when I was sixty-five I realized noone was thinking about me anyway." I'd like to truly get to that point where I don't give a damn. And yet when I look in the mirror (only when I really have to, mind you, like when I'm plucking my eyebrows or putting on makeup), the first thing I see is all the stuff that isn't quite in the same position it was five years ago. Things are, quite literally, heading south. My jawline has softened, I've got a spare chin. My triceps are just the sacks I used to keep my triceps in.
If there's any consolation, I find I care less and less about my ass. That used to be the big issue (pardon the double meaning) with me. What is my ass doing? Now that I've developed a spare tire, my ass no longer has pride of place. Now I think "Dear god, what is going on with my stomach!" I don't have time to worry about my ass, I've got jowls to think about!
Most days I just shrug my shoulders and think "fuck it." But I realize I can't keep doing that indefinitely. I do still have to engage in basic maintenance, or I will turn into Jabba the Hut. So I go to the gym. I huff and sweat through half the step aerobic workout and then drag myself off to let my heartrate return to a safe level while I do lunges and weight-machines. It's good for me. I may never be the tight twenty-something I once was (well, okay, semi-was), but at least I won't be a crooked old woman.
I'll be a strong, sassy, eccentric old woman, I hope. I hope I'm unrepentant, profane, irreverent, outspoken and peculiar old woman. I will certainly have earned the right by that time. And if I'm going to be all of those things, I need to care at least a little about what's going on with my body. At least enough to keep it from going to hell.
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