Cosmic Rain

I have been a little off balance lately. Seems like my perceptions of reality don't always match up with those of others, and I wonder if I'm just having an off month or if I'm receiving cosmic messages to take a good hard look at myself and maybe change my ways. Over the past few weeks there have been a number of incidences – some small, others larger – of my actions or words being completely misconstrued or misinterpreted... or else I'm failing to see clearly my own behavior. It's giving me a bit of existential displacement, and I'm feeling like pulling in under my rock for a while to let the wave of whatever it is wash over me.

I had a major miscommunication with my book group: some of my dearest friends. After a couple of years of being part of the group, I finally decided to step out. The other members are 10 to 20 years my junior, and all with infants or pregnant. Over the past several months, the group's conversation has naturally gravitated away from general topics into the tight specific circles of early motherhood. I don't blame them. It's only natural, and exciting for them in their stage of life. For me, it was a bit painful, specially in light of the catastrophic changes in my own life over the past year. One of the major things I've noticed that has changed for me has been, sadly, this unshakable sense of bitterness and doubt. It applies mostly (not surprisingly) to relationships, but bleeds over into everything. My whole life view has dimmed somewhat. I find I have become, to some extent, a Bitter Old Broad. I don't particularly relish this, and I don't mean to embrace it as a way of life. But I recognize it for what it is – if you'll pardon the metaphorical stretch – the unavoidable cold breath of experience frosting the pumpkin of my youthful optimism. I began to feel further and further removed. So I decided to quit. I did it by an email announcement to the group via facebook and, to make a long story short... it was not particularly well received. The group read it as cold and heartless. I was just trying to get it over with without a need for a lot of discussion. Fireworks ensued. The ashes are still falling.

Then there are the minor intrigues and miscommunications at work. Minor but persistent. I don't recall this happening before... and I don't think anything I'm doing has changed. But in light of all the other miscommunications surrounding me, I have to wonder. Have I become someone I don't even know? Am I functioning in an alternate universe? Some sort of quantum place where my conscious mind is doing and saying one thing and the rest of me is behaving completely differently?

These are existential questions for 3:30 a.m, which is the time I've been waking up lately to ponder them. This morning I was up at 3, my mind spinning over all the possible ways I was mismanaging my interpersonal relationships, my finances, my health and probably the future of my son. I gave up on sleep and sat up until 4:30 before I finally felt it was safe to come back to bed. Consequently, I'm a bit groggy this morning.

That's a lot of information, but I do feel as if it's time for me to pull in a bit and seek out new directions. Maybe I'm getting cosmic messages from the universe that I need to change the direction I'm going or I'm going to wind up where I'm headed... wherever that is.

In the meantime, it rains. It rains. And rains. And rains. So at least my cosmic interior matches my exterior. Hopefully the skies will clear in both realms soon.